Running On Fumes
That’s one of the opening segments of the rulebook for the game Don’t Rest Your Head. It’s a tabletop roleplaying game where players are insomniacs who have stayed awake for so long that they’ve stumbled into a city where memories are sold in markets, there’s an entire kingdom of wax, and a bureaucrat with a push pin for a head can steal your heartbeat.
No, you didn’t misread any of that. It’s a world of madness- that’s why they call it the Mad City.
But why call that segment “Running On Fumes”? Well, it’s a pretty accurate descriptor of the game. You have to carefully manage your character’s levels of exhaustion and madness to avoid either crashing, dying, losing your mind, or some mix of all three. It’s a rough game, where you have to push your characters to their physical and psychological limits. Where you push them to the brink of insanity. Where you find new ways to break them after you’ve already shattered them.
Now, staying awake for days, weeks, or months at a time is likely not possible, but people already “run on fumes” in their day-to-day lives. And if you have a pulse, you’re likely one of these people.
As someone who’s studying psychology, I can tell you how important the connection between physical and mental health is. If you aren’t taking care of your body, your mood will suffer, and if your mood suffers, your body suffers, and on and on the snowball tumbles. I could tell you that it’s important to take breaks and to make sure you’re taking care of yourself, even if you’re busy.
I could tell you that. But then I’d be a hypocrite.
The truth is, despite knowing that throwing myself into my work is damaging, I still do it. Despite knowing that taking breaks is important, I often won’t let myself eat or sleep until I finish whatever I’m doing. And often, when I’m finally done and can have a break, I’m so physically and mentally exhausted that all I want to do is lay in bed and stare at the ceiling.
This is a trap that many other folks can fall into, especially if you’re someone like me, who has to balance school, work, social relationships, and my own personal projects. I’m honestly shocked I haven’t broken my back with how much I’m carrying. It can honestly feel like I have no time to do anything for myself- hell, I’ve barely drawn anything this semester due to how busy and/or tired I constantly am.
But I know for sure that I’m not the only one who feels like this. Jaiden Animations made a wonderful video about burnout that really resonated with me.
Her situation is especially challenging, as she’s self-employed and constantly feels pressure to keep working- something I relate to. I also struggle with that, “If I’m not working, I’m being lazy” mindset that she often falls into. I’d feel guilty for taking a break to draw or watch videos or play video games or do anything other than schoolwork.
But why should I feel guilty? Forcing yourself to work all the time, to the point that you’re not taking care of yourself, can make you feel miserable. I deserve to take the time and do things I love, don’t I? Hell, I deserve to actually let myself eat, don’t I? So why do I feel so guilty?
I still honestly don’t know. It could be anxiety, or it could be my workaholic nature, or it could be the fact that being good at getting schoolwork done was something I was proud of and I define myself over and I don’t know what else I’m good at other than doing homework and taking tests so I may as well focus all my attention on that.
…But the point is that I don’t want to feel guilty anymore. I know you need to eat and sleep to… y’know, live, so it shouldn’t feel like a crime to carve basic self-care into my schedule. And even outside of that, I want to make more time for my hobbies- things that I want to do outside of work. Things that actually make me happy.
Even hopeless games such as Don’t Rest Your Head and a video game with similar energies- Darkest Dungeon– understands this. In Don’t Rest Your Head, you can spend hope coins or engage in flashbacks to let your characters rest and recover. In Darkest Dungeon, not only can you camp during your adventures into Lovecraftian nightmare dungeons, but you can also let your characters engage in activities in the town outside of it, like gambling or praying. Both of these unforgiving games understand that your characters will break a lot faster if they don’t have time to themselves to rest. If they get it, then why should I feel guilty? I deserve to do things that I want to do just because I want to do them.
Now if you’ll excuse me, I have a game of Don’t Rest Your Head to GM.
-Eliza